Re-calibration

I was on the phone with my mom the other day and she mentioned that she and my dad went to see The Aviator, and that she really liked it.

Gertie said: "Yeah, I'm sure it's a good film, but I don't really want to see it because I would never 'see' Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes...and there is NO WAY that actress who plays Katherine Hepburn would ever convince me she is Katherine Hepburn. I mean, who cast that thing?"

My mom said: "I'm really worried about you. You're very negative." I'll spare you the additional commentary on that statement.

Gertie said: "I'm not negative; I'm just extremely critical about films."

Later I realized that I was getting into my Rough City Rut. People who come to San Francisco dazzle at its quasi-European, almost-but-not-quite-New York atmosphere. But there are sides to San Francisco that tourists don't see. Horrendous parking. The most ridiculous traffic. Homelessness. Homelessness is a shame, and tourists do see some of it, but it's pretty rampant in my neighborhood - the Haight Ashbury. After living here for 8 years, I have nicknames for most notable regulars. I never give money, I do give food and I do say hi to the sane, gentle ones. But there are some cuckoos, some real doozies, and they love to pick on me. They probably love to pick on everyone, but it always seems like a personal attack.

I have to work very hard to place an invisible sign on my forehead to let these people know if I am open to interacting with them or not. I try to place "Do Not Disturb" out there, rather than my more natural "Ask me for Directions" look. Unfortunately, once I get a sign up, it's communicated to everyone, all the time. I carry that "talk to me!" or "don't fuck with me" look to the gym, out to bars, on the train.

Until my mom said I was negative, I had no idea it was time to re-calibrate. My re-calibration usually occurs naturally after a quick vacation, but I haven't been on one of those in a long time.

I spent the weekend north of San Francisco in my native Marin, watching a friend's dog. It rained all weekend, but with enough breaks to take that crazed dog out on a trail walk. I am telling you, there is nothing like a freshly rained on fire trail to enhance one's mood. The trickling of water running off the hillside; grass so lushly green you want to lick the raindrops off; the soft padder of your feet walking over the spongy dead pines that fell during the last storm; the wonderful smell of all these things combined. No cars, no bums, no drugged-out-tatt-wearing-pierced runaways, no fashionistas. Just you and the dog, and you're both in a different kind of heaven on that trail.

Then a crazy thing happened, and it almost made me sick to my stomach. I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket to see if I had reception. That's right people! In all that peace and quiet I was getting a lot of things done in my head, including a list of people I needed to call. I was shocked simultaneously by a) noticing I had 3 bars, and b) the audacity of thinking that walking through serenity was a perfect place to catch up. So I shook my head at myself, turned the phone off, put it back in my pocket, and gave the dog a treat.

The funny thing is, almost every time I go running or hiking on a trail, I have this same connection. It's like a reminder of who I am. I am that mud-covered baby in the photo: with the hand-me-down blue smiley face sweatshirt, eating dirt on my first camping trip and absolutely loving every bite. It's a wonder I don't make an effort to hit the trails more than a few times a year.

Unfortunately, I am not 100% re-calibrated. I know that because when I came back to the City it took me 20 minutes of circling to find parking, during which time I said "fucking retard" under my breath to other drivers at least twice (note this is an improvement, and yes, I am the best driver in the world, so I have license to judge). There. That sentence right there proves my point. The good news is I am going to Jamaica in August, and like I said, every time I come back from a vacation I am absolutely refreshed and POSITIVE. At least for a few months.