March 29, 2005

Gertie Recommends

Pop Secret Homestlye microwave popcorn. So good, it should be illegal.

March 17, 2005

Ice Cream and Beer

Did I not learn my lesson from the Starburst episode? No people, I didn't puke this time, only had 2 beers, but I don't recommend a pint of ice cream and beer for dinner.

Were They This Cute When I Was Young?

Saturday night I went out on the town. Went to Madrone, the cool new bar on the corner of Divis and Fell. I was feeling great in my freshly washed Seven's and the new hot pink scoop tee from Urban Outfitters. Once shedding my wool coat, I was ready to have a good time with The Gang.

My friends visiting from Chicago brought a butt-load of local cousins along, including one tall, dark and cutie pie, the ripe age of 26, who had a personality to boot. Maybe it was one of the first things I said to him ("That adorable smile won't open every door, I'm afraid!"), but he was kind of into me. It was cute.

We moved down the street to another bar, where I spotted a likely mate in a hip green coduroy blazer, white tee and jeans. Yum. As the rest of our party staggled in, he joined up with one of the guys. Goodie - he's with us! Unfortunately, he consumed himself with talking to Chad about paintball and girls.

At closing we moved down the street to Chad's for a little after party. Tall Dark and Cutie Pie was by my side, definitely into me at this point. He asked if I wanted a ride on his motorcycle to Chad's. "It's 2 blocks away," I replied. But he didn't waver! At Chad's he sat next to me, tried to hold my hand, sneeked peaks at the thong peeping out of my low rise jeans when I leaned over to put my beer on the table, and tried to throw my legs over his and embrace me in a cuddle! All of this with the cutest of smiles, and shining dark eyes, even though I wasn't going along with any of it. When my Chicago friends and I left at 4 a.m., Tall Dark Cutie Pie asked for directions to my apartment! I told him it was, sadly, not a slumber party. He was really surprised he wasn't coming back to my place.

This is what I'm wondering, people. Now I know I keep telling you how old I am (32, 32, 32), but I really don't remember guys being that balls-y when I was that age. Balls-y and sweet about it at the same time. Is this a new trend or is this just this one Tall Dark Cutie Pie and he's a phenomenon? Hmm.

And what happened with Green Blazer Guy? Well, he was at Chad's too. Sitting next to me on the couch, so I was sandwiched between the man who liked me and the man I liked. Green Blazer Guy played the guitar and sang Radiohead songs, and sounded awesome. I couldn't believe I stumbled upon a guy who was hip, humble, had a job and could sing Radiohead. But, he obviously wasn't into me, because when I went to the bathroom he left, without saying goodbye. So long, Green Blazer Guy. Bummer.

March 10, 2005

Have You Ever Been Told?

Have you ever been told you remind someone of a celebrity? I have:

1. The first time I was told this was when I was 19 and on a cruise to Mexico. There was a very dashing older (WAY older) man who looked like Sean Connery taking his nightcap at the bar. He told me I reminded him of Goldie Hawn. I think it was more of a personality thing?

2. The second time I was at a friend's party, and one of her friends who is a director of indie films here in SF told me I looked like Mira Sorvino. Who? I immediately checked that out and found out her claim to fame was in the Woodie Allen movie Mighty Aphrodite. I rented the movie because of this. Happy for the look, but hope she wasn't referring to the voice. Or the brains. Or the occupation.

3. This was the oddest of celebrity relations (yes, K.O. you were there). A friend's cousin in L.A. told me I reminded him of.... Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito? Danny F'n DeVito!!! It took me a long time, but I finally realized he was comparing my HUMOR, not my LOOKS. Thank God. Here's a tip for the fellas: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER tell a woman she reminds you of a short bald fat male comedian. Never. If you are asking why, then you don't understand that women always feel they are being compared to someone in the form of one's appearance.

4. Most recently, in a sales meeting, one of my colleagues whispered to me "Do you watch '24'?" I replied, "No, not really." She then said "You look kind of like the character Chloe." I nodded. I became immediately obsessed with Chloe. Where's Chloe goddamit? There's no one named Chloe in this episode! I continued to watch another 2 episodes, still no Chloe, before asking a friend who watches the show regularly where the hell this chick was. "Chloe's gone." Damn. So I finally out of boredom and curiosity checked her out. The actress' name is really Mary Lynn Rajskub, and apparently we've had stints in Legally Blonde II and Punch Drunk Love as well as 24.

Anyway, if you've clicked on all the links so far, I guess you have an idea now of what I look like. Hopefully you don't see the Danny DeVito connection.

The Starlet vs. Top Model, & a bit of Amazing Race

OK people. Now I don't hinge my life on what 18-24 year old girls on TV freak out about, but this is just killing me!

I don't know which show is worse. Nevertheless, I can't help but watch them both!

On Starlet this week, all the girls were freaking out about doing a girl on girl kiss. On Top Model, the girls were freaking out more about their haircuts than posing topless. "Oh! They are bleaching my hair! The horror! The pain!"

Overall, if I had my choice, I'd feel much more comfortable kissing a girl than posing without a shirt on. Maybe that's because I have more confidence in how well I kiss than how nice my boobies are.

I think the fact that I am 32 has a lot to do with this. By now, I know I am one hell of a good kisser. I also am not afraid to say that I believe some women are absolutely gorgeous, and if one of them asked me to kiss them, I think it'd be kind of a compliment! And also, even at this age I am body conscious. Having my hands be the only thing between a camera crew and my little nip nips still seems scary. The other scary part is that the picture would also have to have my face in it, complete with a seductive look. I'm better at "cute" than seductive. So if I had to choose a show to try out for, even though I am way way way past any age limit and probably too short and heavy for either, I'd have to say I'd choose to be on Starlet. But then again, on Starlet you have to go to those silly acting classes that make you look foolish in front of America, and I'd have a hard time taking any of it seriously.

So I guess it's a good thing that I am too old for the age limits of these shows. I think it would be better for me to find a partner for Amazing Race. At least I know I'd be able to kick some serious ass on that show. I wouldn't have any problem with those tasks. I'd pick the more challenging but faster of Road Blocks every time. I'll use my charm and language skills to get us ahead. But my partner would have to be able to make all the travel decisions. I'll just come along to hustle and win.

March 06, 2005

A Sickly End

45 Starburst candies and a bottle of wine
Do not a dinner make

The rainbow of colors in the toilet
Was proof of my mistake

There was food in plenty at the party
And it smelled most devine

But only Bacchus' sweet potion
Took hold of my mind

Sunday's scorn was brutal and beastly
Every task was turned in pain

I won't supper on 45 Starburst candies and a bottle of wine
ever, ever, ever again

Forgive me, folks. I have watched 3 Victorian-era movies in the past 48 hours. They are alwasy reading poetry aloud; guess it sunk in.