The Nerve! A Quiz: Who was Being Most Selfish?

Granted, my perspective is a little biased, but, who here was most selfish? A) Gertie or B) Phyllis Dillar?

The scene: I stroll along 5 blocks with the teeny, tiny, skinny, sniff-o-rama doggie I am watching, to let her take care of business and to grab my morning coffee. My favorite place in the neighborhood is closed, so I head to the Starbleck's on the next block.

I tie Miss Delicate Princess to a table and walk in. Approaching from the other direction is an older woman who is a younger, dark-haired version of Phyllis Diller in a long, black down coat. I go inside and get in line, and only seconds later Phyllis is in line too. But not exactly behind me. No, she is almost PARALLEL to me and has her $20 out and is staring staring staring at the barrista. Just waiting to shoot her order out. Not only am I feeling my personal space is being invaded, I am also feeling the pull of nature, and the territorial beast in me is starting to come out. I move a half-step forward and a half-step left, trying to ensure a clearly identifiable wedge between myself and Phyllis. I was before her in line, after all.

I am only ordering a drip, so I really don't care too much if she yells an order at the barrista, except for the fact that the barrista would get my drip first if she noticed I was first. I happened to be behind a very pokey woman, who was buying coffee for 4... and treats... and also adding value to her Starbleck's card... as well as asking really stupid questions of the cashier. What, may I ask, do people ask the cashiers at Starblecks? What the heck can be so unclear at this coffee joint? Anyway, I was more interested in maintaining my ground as next to pay than being next to get the barrista's attention, but still. Phyllis was being a bit "naively aggressive." I've seen this at bars and I've done this at bars, so I know when a 54 year-old woman is pulling the naively aggressive maneouvre.

Luckily, my two half-steps did get me the attention of the barrista, from whom I ordered my grande coffee, and she placed it on the counter as the lollygagger in front of me finally finished her Q&A session and fumbled to put her Starbleck's card back in her wallet. And then fumbled to put her wallet in her purse. And then scoot slowly and decisively out of the counter space. By this time, Phyllis had ordered and her order was not even quite ready yet, but she noticed the transaction was through and stretched her 8 foot arm toward the cashier and started to say "I have a..."

Enter Gertie. Enter evil look to Phyllis and curt yet polite voice. "Excuse me. But I was next in line." Phyllis stopped her 8 foot arm 4 feet out and slowly retracted it, with the typical "naively aggressive but I'm caught" glare back. I turned to the cashier and paid my $1 plus change, then headed to the coffee decorating station. I didn't care that Phyllis wasn't gracious or even faigning naivitee. I know the game. I was just curious to see how she approached the rest of her coffee experience.

And as Phyllis stepped the one step forward and one step RIGHT (yeah, back into the real line she thought didn't pertain to her) she gave the cashier a look like "what's with ~HER~? The Nerve!" as she forced her bill upon him. Poor guy. I'd hate to be a cashier at Starbleck's.

Phyllis took her time (looking a little dazed and psychotic while doing so) to get to the coffee decorating station which was only steps away, which is funny because she was in such a damn hurry in the first place. But enough time passed for me to mix my goods, throw on the lid and head back out to the shaking delicate beast tied to the table and waiting for me.

So, People? Was Gertie being territorial and selfish or was Phyllis pushing the protocol of queus?

Tags:

• life
• funny
• coffee
• queus