Basic Camping vs. Gertie Camping

Most may not know it to look at me, but I am an expert camper. Sure, I haven't been camping in... oh, about 12 years... but don't let that, my 2" sandals or my perfectly straightened hair fool you.

So when I was invited to go camping over 4th of July weekend on short notice, I only gave a moment's pause to remember if I had the basic requirements in my little apartment on hand: sleeping bag? Check. Matches? Check. Gas grill? Check. Flashlight? Check. Some formation of grubby clothes? Check. The ability to go a couple days without a shower? Wha? Uh. Really? Hmm. Well, OK. I was in.

But that night, like most other nights, when my head hit the pillow my brain turned on. Wouldn't it be great to have grilled marinated flank steak, little white potatoes and roasted tomatoes one night? And pankakes for breakfast! And don't forget to bring: cutting board, garbage bags, plates, aluminum foil, ziplock bags for marinating, a wine opener, a can opener, knives, a spatula, salt and pepper, olive oil, Jamaican jerk sauce, use the frozen chicken breasts as ice blocks in the cooler, bug repellent, anti-itch cream for when you completely forget about the bug repellent, spf 4, 8, 15 and 30 sunblock, a water bottle for the bike ride, gatorade, paper towels, nail file, bandaids, and above all else, don't forget to take The Pill, well, just because you're not supposed to skip a day.

So it is 6:17PM on the day we are leaving, and Super Camper here has been ready since 5. Although, I will admit that last night, when the head hit the pillow and the brain turned on, I was overwhelmed and embarassed by my narcissism when I realized that these people would probably be the first friends of mine (I am substracting family and ex's) to see the raw, un-made-up Gertie, probably since the last time I went camping (which was when I was in college and there wasn't much disparity between raw Gertie and made-up Gertie, an issue that was promptly corrected when I moved to France). It frightened me that I might frighten them. I got nervous about the fact that the way I sleep makes me have a bald spot when I wake up that a brush just cannot overcome, and the fact that my hair gets greasy after just one day of no shampoo, and how my blonde eyebrows all but disappear if I don't "enhance" them with chocolate brown powder. This list went on and on and then I told myself to shut-up; it's mostly girls anyway and who the hell gives a damn. Don't forget to bring a hat.

Tags:

• funny
• life
• camping
• vanity