November 23, 2006

Thanksgiving and Other Things - I Always Seem to be the White Meat

SIDE NOTE: The first portion of this post is completely bizarre and unassociated to Thanksgiving Day… sort of:

For the past 8 years or so people [whom I know, thank God] can't help but spank my rear on occasion, like at bachelorette parties, or when I'm in a grocery store on the phone, or when I lean over to talk to someone. Or Thanksgiving Day. Yes; I said spank. It lends itself, unfortunately. I’m so used to it by now that I don't really react except for a look and a roll of the eyes. Unless I'm drunk, then who knows what I'll do.

One Halloween a few years ago, a colleague of mine recognized me in my costume at a street fair - from behind. And I had a big platinum hillbilly Dolly Parton wig on! And! I wasn’t even wearing the company jeans! She recognized my butt. Take that, J-Lo.

This Thanksgiving, I got spanked again. Twice. I’m tired of getting the old hand to the caboose. Seriously folks, can we look past the physical for a bit? I’m really, really tired of being a piece of ass meat.


Thanksgiving Day overall was a very good day. I woke up at 8:30 because Clickity Clack upstairs was away for the holiday so I got to sleep in. I went for a 4 mile run. Came back and found out my best friend (and Thanksgiving guest at my ‘rents’ place) had no hot water in her apartment and wanted to bail on Phase One of The Day, which was to visit my colleague’s house for a quick drink and appies.

As I have often come into the path of my best friend’s “universe denies my partaking in the occasion I already agreed to partake in” scenario, I didn’t fully believe that THE BOILER BLEW in her building, and went into a slight depressive mode. Seeing how I’ve been using some books to influence my positivity in life lately, I couldn’t fully believe it but I really wanted to.

I didn’t call her back right away; instead I went for coffee, relaxed, breathed, dealt internally with my issues, breathed again and then called. We created a mutual agreement on timing, as my parents were dealing with an electrical blackout and most likely needed all hands on deck [ed note: turkey OK! We do it on the bbq here in California] and decided we could complete Phase One and still be on time for Phase Two (being at my folks’ house before the rest of their guests).

Phase One was awesome and enjoyable. Special house cocktail was Guiness with sparkling wine. Believe it or not: very good. On the way back to the car my friend complimented me on my recent fitness campaign then spanked my butt for acknowledgement. Geez. Pleez.

Onto Phase Two, where, after several emergency last minute smokes in the car before the drought of not smoking at my parents’ house, we anticipated a disaster because of the electrical malfunction. No such misfortune. They were done cooking everything and the turkey was resting! Unbelievable! The only calamity is my mom wasn’t dressed yet.

The guests arrived, much wine was consumed, a photo journal of my parents’ most recent int’l journey was reviewed. I changed into jeans. I got spanked again. Damn-it! If it was a boyfriend I wouldn’t be so uptight about it.

We all got the leftovers and left woozy but not drunk. We said our goodbyes with hugs, etc. and now I smell like one of the guests’ horrendous perfume. It outsmells my own, outsmells the one my best friend and I put on in the car to cover up our smoking, and outsmells anything otherwise not covered. It stinks; I can’t get rid of it.

I got home and watched the end of Grey’s Anatomy in my p.j.’s at my own place in peace and calm quiet. I will dream of the stuffing, turkey and gravy all night till I can eat it for breakfast and run it off after lunch. YUM!

November 22, 2006

Check Status

I don't know if you all know about Statcounter, but it's the bomb for checking all glories that come to your blog (er, yeah, which is why I know for a FACT that there aren't many more than a handful of you, but whatevs).

Anywho, um, there's one very comedic statistic that is listed for each recorded "project" [ed note: yes, I am a PROJECT], and that is the category of ............ Keyword Analysis! Yes, that's right, folks! This fun fun post will list the Top 10 Recent keywords that have lead you dear readers to this most thankful blog. Please note that I am only listing the searches that ended up here; I have no idea where in the blog they landed, nor wherefore (er, that's Shakespearean for WHY WHY WHY ME GOD???):

1. Boyfriend doesn't smoke
2. Selfish parking (ok, I know where this one went)
3. Sis in Law Bathing (what????)
4. Second of all (geez, I must say that a lot)
5. Thumbsucker liquid (ha ha ha!)
6. Stung boob (I know where this one went, too)
7. 2006 Bush speaches (ok, I know where this went, but I'm too ashamed to link it)
8. Partyclub in Jamaika
9. Step into the mystic song (man, you are worse than me at lyrics, dude. No wonder you couldn't find it.)
10. Jewish guy face plant (ha ha ha. I really wish I had that story to tell!)

So that's the most recent 10. Isn't it fun?

Where? When?

Not only do I admit to being funny sometimes, I will also admit that I am a Flickr addict. I have a Flickr account, but I also have certain other members that I watch like a hawk - with the determination of someone who has a new puppy. I click often, I refresh. But most decidedly, I am obsessed with my own photos... particularly how often they are viewed.

See, Flickr lets you know how many times each photo you post online has been viewed by the world. This can be very flattering or very deflating. I posted a photo on October 17th and it has only been viewed once (er, by Gertie herself) so I deleted it. No sense in keeping what the WORLD says is an uninteresting photo around for other people to confirm its uninterestingness, so I say.

But here's the strange thing, and it really makes the non-technological Gertie think she is extremely ahead of the pack here.... sometimes a photo goes from 14 views to 77 views overnight. OVER. NIGHT. Or, it goes from 23 views one day to 55 views 3 weeks later, and THEN from 55 to 77 in mere hours. HOURS! Even though the photos I have online are COPYRIGHTED - yes, I'm no idiot (and thank you to the one online journal who wanted to use one of my shots for asking before publishing rights).... but I can only assume that someone talking about something searched tags on Flickr and came to a few, proud, innocent Gertie shots and has used them SOMEWHERE without PERMISSION in a public setting!! Is all propriety lost? How else can one account for such assanine hikes in views? Seriously.

And here's where Gertie is thinking ahead of the pack... in my curiosity, I was assured in my head that whomever referenced my photo did so online... so I did a Google Image search hoping to find the title of my images somewhere other than on my Flickr account. No such luck. BUT! DEE DEE DEEEEEEE! Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to TRACK an image that has LEFT an online photo sharing site! Hoo Ha! Lemme tell ya, my Ex Tech BF had all sorts of tricks up his sleeve to find out who had been where for how long, where they came from and where they went after, and I think this would be a phenomenal boon to the online photosharing society [Dawn, please note date and time of pronouncement, as if any such tool comes into fruition in the future I will certainly need an attorney to proclaim my patent-like rights].

Damn. I can't wait for my current career to provide me the funds for all the real shit I'm gonna bring to this world. Hoo ha!

November 21, 2006

And 3 Lbs. More - 3 Lbs. Live Blogging

Preface: I will be the first to admit that I think I am funny. Sometimes I think this and I am actually NOT funny. But lemme tell you... this post I just wrote had me laughing out loud... almost thought I didn't write it for a moment... so please, skim or whatever, but I assure you, you'll enjoy it even if you haven't watched the show...

[Note, this is my first attempt at live TV blogging, and I'm already woozy. And, I'm
watching a movie during commercials. Right, and baking banana bread.]

OK, so far on tonite's episode of 3 Lbs., we venture into the concept of the Left and Right sides of the brain. Oh, and "mind control;" i.e., manipulation of another's mind. Oh, and when and when not to use a cell phone in a hospital. Man, this is going to be difficult. I'm such a serial notetaker....

GSW: Gun Shot Wound by illegal guy. Illegal guy has shot himself in the head amidst other things [ed note: stupid]. Wait! There's something MORE intriguing in his brain than a bullet! A subdermal hematoma, oh no. And I guess there is an important other guy as a victim.

Pheromones. Mating. To resist is futile. Whoa. Now people strangers are having sex. What's going on?

A pregnant woman has had a seizure. Never had'em before, so what up? Well, whatevs, the Dox decide she needs one-sided brain surgery and now is doing stuff she has no control over. Like zipping up her sweater. Oooooh, that's horrible! Girl's make-up is too dark for her skin [oh! sorry! that's the movie...]

Kiss kiss, bad big hair. We had sex, does anybody care? Pheromones don't! But maybe a particular lawyer for a particular victim of a particular crime got some medical info no one was supposed to know...

The Indian Doc chick wants to know what the double brained lady is actually doing w/her right brain. So she does some tests and finds out that the right brain hates the impending baby. Poor baby. Baby definitely likes left brain better.

Back to sex. Lawyer woman, trying to deceive the Doc w/the whole pheromone thing while taking advantage for her client as well. Wow, I don't think I'd retain her over Dawn. But Dawn better not tell the tales she does on her site or we're all in trouble.

Double brained chick can't do anything on the left side (meaning right). Ha ha. Right. Oh, ok, some side of the brain is telling her to choose her baby over her life. Yikes. That sucks. Baby doesn't know who to like now. Baby very confused because Baby is inside the womb and can't see which side is right or left, or which it prefers. I'm guessing at the end of the day, Baby will go with whatever side is LIFE. Uh, wouldn't you? Duh. [ed note: most of this was discussed inside the Gertie's head, and not in the actual episode. Oh my God, I am cracking myself up right now.]

Scrubbing in; for what I don't know. But apparantly it was an interlude to some deeper discussion of the characters thus so far discussed so I should never have typed any of this. Oh well.

Right brain is apparantly "over-rated" in double brained lady (uh, need I mention here that all of us are double brained? No? OK). One hemisphere is now the boss of her. But! Both sides share emotions. Doi? Talk about leaving the choice to the patient...

In the victim of GSW Guy, a blood clot pushing on his lobe. Lawyer used the Doc to get an answer [with her pheromones, not her brain, of course]. Doc is in big trouble. By the way, I have noticed this episode that Espresso is the new black apparantly; everyone is wearing CHOCOLATE. [Switch focus.] Seeing drowning ghost girl from first episode. Dear God, will Doug Doc's conscience come into EVERY episode??

Contemplation [in espresso colored room - told you]. Brown suit. See theme. Too lazy to actually hear what they are discussing. My RIGHT arm is itchy (must mean my left brain is pissed). So in reality, I shouldn't have typed any of this, either. Sigh.

Oh stop, everybody, stop! You're believing things that are implied! Or! Vice versa! Or! Even better - - chocolate!! Espresso! The new black! Everybody think cho-co-lad-e and all is grand....

Except. You might not be able to speak;what? Oh, double brain is out of surgery, and everyone is wondering if she has a viable baby and if she can speak. She has a viable baby and can flail her arms. That's kind of happy and sad, really. Appealing to both sides of my brain, if I must admit.

[insert: poor little kids in the movie]

Bullet out. All good. Who's the GSW again? Uh oh. Dream scape with ghost girl. Rip artery in GSW. What does this have to do w/GSW's brain again? Oh right. Nothing. It has to do with the Doc's state of mind. Ooh, mind! Brain! Illusion! 3 Lbs! Wait, now we're back to the double brained mute, who was mutilated in the head and now she also cannot move. But don't forget! She has a viable baby.

GSW is a prisoner, but he's thankful and speaking. Could he perhaps, have traded brains w/another patient? HMMMM. creepy. Who cares? We've seen him for 2.5 minutes in a 60 minute show. Whatevs.

Double sided brain chick is MOVING. Woo hoo. BUT... can she talk? Well, I don't know, because I had to take the damned banana bread out of the oven. Oh well, at least she has a viable baby.

Hey! You know what? That was totally fun. For both sides of my brain.


Going to an Italian wine tasting with your father? Priceless. (AND - awesome wine, grazie!)

Going immediately after to a crab-a-thon at your office? Additionally Priceless.

Having cheap American wine and that lingering garlic breath and crab-smelling-y fingers (not to mention the crab-o-lisious-smelling conference room...) for, uh, how long after? Deliciously disgusting.

November 20, 2006

Inquiring Minds

Yes, I look for entertainment in the oddest of places... this was a Craigslist posting
"Do you suffer from any of the following symptom:
Bad Breath
Athlete's Foot
Sweaty Palms
Chronic Shoe Odor
Dry Skin
Toenail Fungus
Itchy Red Eyes?"

If so, they’d like to get you together with a bunch of other people who have the same problems symptoms, and talk about them! Even better, they’ll pay you $100. I'm sorry, if you're not my doctor, my date, or my shoe, I won't be discussing any of these.

November 14, 2006

3 Lbs. - I get it already

Apparantly, every network has to have a medical show, thus CBS has launched 3 Lbs. Ok. After a few minutes, I got it already.

The show is less medical and more mind game (yes, Gertie puns!), as the focus of the show is a neurology department, and all they do outside of brain surgery and sexual innuendos is talk about the mutually inclusive complexity (self-inflicted emotions) and simplicity ("wires in a box") of the human brain and review all the arguments about science vs. soul/spirituality. Interesting for a show or two, enough material to go on forever, but ultimately one must ask how long they can stand to listen. If you are like me and don't have cable, TiVo, or Netflix, this is the best you are going to get on a Tuesday night. But, there aren't a lot of people out there like me.

Blue Skies

The skies were dry when I woke up. On the foot path I run by the bay the small puddles reflected the rising sun and two pelicans flew slow and low along the orange glassy water of the bird sanctuary. After reaching the Warming Hut and blowing my usual kiss to the Golden Gate Bridge, I couldn't decide if the run back toward the skyline was more incredibly beautiful than the run out. The hazy morning yellow of the unequivocal skyline, the tempestuous little waves smacking the shore, the blackened silhouette of a stoic egret against the brightly awakening city.

And people think I'm crazy to get up early to run.

November 13, 2006

Go Away, Rain

We're having our first official rain of the season. We've had some rain in the past, but this one has been all green and yellow blobs on the news forecasts - blobs that aren't going away anytime soon.

Although I've fallen a bit off my early-to-bed, early-to-rise routine, and I've also taken a running break since the half marathon, tomorrow morning will be my first morning run... in the rain. Not really looking forward to it, but thinking about what possible outfit will allow me ease of limb use and proper water resistance. I am most happy to have received a free running hat as a promo for the last race, because getting pelted in the face at 6:45 am doesn't sound the least bit appetizing. Nor does soggy socks and an oversized windbreaker with a blinking light on it, but hey - you gotta look bad to look good, right?

On that note, I just received the 3 "professional" photos of me running my half marathon. No wonder I never meet guys while I'm running. Note to self: that face I give when I'm very focused and determined ends up looking like I have really bad gas. Stop focusing.

November 11, 2006

I Had A Dream...

Last night I had a dream, of which I don't remember the magority, but I do remember one very poignant part.

I do remember the part where I was in a movie theater, or rather, one of those stadium-style college classes, you know the kind - where you and 449 other students are obligated to listening to a drone on the stage, and I was in the front row. I was talking incessantly to the gay guy next to me. He rolled his eyes at one point, and, apparantly speaking to the instructor on stage said, "SHE has got the worst breath ever!"

In the dream, I cowered deep into my theater chair, very embarrassed about my breath. In real life, I woke up at 4:12 am with a severe pain in my left jaw. I started freaking out that I needed a root canal, and then let the fear subside into a resolution to no longer eat frozen chocolate chips and then go to bed without brushing my teeth... all in fear of having a second root canal.

So this morning I woke up and FLOSSED. Yes, I flossed. Can you believe it?

Last Woman Standing - Two Nights in a Row!

Yup, you guessed it. Gertie is bored again. I already did my "day;" not to mention the 5 journals/magazines/local publications I read through. And then another bit of another book. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm getting tired of reading. Luckily tomorrow is Excercise Day and a Work Day. Woo. Hoo. When are my girls gonna get dumped so I have stuff to do??

OK. That was a little selfish. Well, maybe a lot. Whatevs! I don't want my girls to get dumped. Ever. Cuz my girls are super cool (even though they don't read my blog).

November 10, 2006

Last Woman Standing

Now that I've dumped Beef Jerkey, I'm free on a Friday night! Only problem is, all my girls are in still in their relationships. Bummer. I'm totally bored.

What the...? Part II

I guess I've titled something "What the...?" before. To be honest, it is so tedious to search archives with Blogger that I don't have the patience or interest to figure out what I was so confused about prior to this. The "this" now being the new Blogger Beta, which is supposed to be an improved Blogger.

It's still no WordPress, which I would prefer to have but, hey, Blogger is free and WordPress is not. So, Blogger it is.

And Blogger has a new version! I was so excited to hear that when I logged in! And then, in order to get all beta'd, I had to do a few (yes, TEDIOUS) things. Like pick a new template. [As you can see, my new template is my old template - only I painted it a little shade of blue. Gertie is SO artistic!] Then I was able to add a "signature" photo (which, aparantly, I could have done before, but it's easier now). I will probably regret it, but I updated AN ACTUAL PICTURE of me (most likely soon to be replaced by just some undetectable BODY PART of me). There are a few other things I can add now, but to be honest, they seem boring and I am too lazy and uninterested to figure out if they would be cool additions to my post. Finally, with keeping with my Template, they changed the way my old posts show up (read: made my previous posts look like a boring historical timeline), so I made the utmost attempt to make them look interesting... to no avail. How the hell is anyone gonna wanna see my prev posts if they are all a Star Trek Star Date Time Log? Well, I might at least get some Trekkies on board.

OK. Done ranting on the new beta Blogger. Thanks for listening. More interesting stuff to come, but how would you know, since they are all archived by date? Hrrmph.

November 05, 2006

Official Results

This morning I ran the US Half Marathon here in San Francisco. About this time last year I ran the Nike Women's Half Marathon, and finished it in 02:13:47. I could barely move the remainder of the day. I think I was horizontal for most of it. Needless to say, it was a brutal initiation to real racing (unlike the 12k Bay to Breakers, which most people do drunk and in costume).

This year, the Nike Women's Half Marathon was sold out in 2 weeks. So the next race was the one I did today, the US Half. I trained with the Nike group, and I trained a lot more than last year, and here are the results!

Official finish time: 02:02:24
Fastest mile: mile 1 - 8:36 mins
Average min/mile: 9.31
Age group place: 70th
Overall place: 274th
Total runners: 3,000 (I was in the top 10%!)
Hrs laying horizontal afterward - only 1 hour!

Gertie sore, but Gertie happy : )